November 2012
1 post
September 2012
1 post
June 2012
5 posts
14 tags
6 tags
When we should use the Oxford Comma
bowtiesinthedungeon:
A direct quote from The Times newspaper, talking about a Peter Ustinov documentary and saying that:
“highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector”.
4 tags
When my mama takes me on a Michael's shopping...
And I immediately replenish my paints and brushes supply and continue working on a stack of prints for my room next year.
But more importantly, begin crafting for my future little!
May 2012
11 posts
When freshman year of college comes to a close
When it's my best friend's birthday
In the A&B tradition, I think about our origins in that fateful grouping in 7th grade science class. We were all such demure, shy, awkwardly polite kids and having to work in a group where we were all tripping over ourselves to be gracious was like:
Then, you invited me to your Halloween party and I was all, “Really? But we barely know each other….” And you were all,...
When people with real majors talk about their...
And my Creative Writing ass envisions a future as a Starbucks barista:
When I reuse my tequila bottle as a water bottle...
I ponder how far my budding alcoholism has developed since the beginning of the year. Then realize that I’ve been drinking on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and the weekend for the past few weeks.
But then I think of how all the great writers were alcoholics.
When my foodie companions went to brunch without...
When my Italian buddy and I finally manage to...
And the professors switched times so that we’re in the easiest/nicest instructor’s section:
When my friends use "remembrance" to mean "memory"
When my two idiots troll my wall with a post of...
When people bleat "YOLO"
The first time:
The second time:
The third time:
Every time since:
When I walk into a Montblanc store
And at every location, the sales staff all greet me by name each time because I’m the only person under 40 who goes in to obsess over fountain pens. Then they let me try all the pens and give me limited edition display books and catalogues.
And each time I buy more ink because I can’t yet afford the Grace Kelly pen.
When I see a lovely tiara at Tiffany's
Then the nice man encourages me to try it on and I do and it’s wonderful and I feel like a princess.
But then he tells me it costs $2,500.
When daydrinking makes any day better
At the end of a dry Monday:
All day on Mondays with booze before classes and chapter and until bedtime:
When my friends yelled at drunk me to wear pants...
Them:
Me:
When I got legitimately drunk for the first time...
When an unfortunate-looking frat boy commences...
And she silently sends out an S.O.S. with her eyes.
So I give the guy a piercing glare that says:
Before delivering some softcore girl-on-girl on her until he slinks off in discomfort.
When my normally passive professor calls on me...
And my perceived level of literacy and competence smacks of this guy:
When we see that guy from that night we don't talk...
And I ask myself:
April 2012
12 posts
When we have waited 40 minutes in line at the...
And greedy people keep buying eight cupcakes individually at almost midnight instead of ordering them during the day like normal people.
Filled with bitterness, we decide it’s our turn to be the villains when we finally get to the ATM and buy three cupcakes each.
When my friends and I saw Justin Bieber's...
Until then, we’d all thought the Biebs was gay/a girl/a joke/stuck in pre-pubescence. We were distressed at the attraction we felt.
“What the hell is wrong with us. He’s the Bieber. But that lipbite is so sensual. What is happening.”
Eventually, we rationalized that it was okay. We comforted each other and agreed that if this was wrong, we didn’t want to be...
When I was trying to fit into my formal dress
When my formal date and I were pumped to steal a...
But then social chair and the security guards wouldn’t let us leave.
When my sisters told me to talk to the guy...
For twenty minutes it was the “you look, I see you looking, I look away” game. Then he finally sidled over next to me and my sisters made me turn around and say hi.
We talk for five minutes and he’s macking hard. I tell him I’m a freshman and he says he’s a senior.
Then he takes my hand to lead me to “get a drink” which actually turned out to be...
When my friends try to get notoriously heavyweight...
And they’re wasted and I stay sober.
